


Good Luck Everybody

by Zylina



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Arguing, Dialogue Heavy, Late Night Conversations, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26829367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zylina/pseuds/Zylina
Summary: "When’s the last time you got some rest?”Gordon was quiet for some time. Barney thought that he was being ignored, but Gordon eventually responded.“About six days ago.”He did some quick mental math.“Six days ago...you were still stuck on that slow teleport. But for you, that would have been the day you came back, right? I stopped you from waltzing into Nova Prospekt. You still owe me for that!” Barney laughed, somehow managing to sound only slightly uncomfortable. He felt like they were on the precipice of a conversational bombshell, and he was desperately trying to steer it along a more lighthearted path.His hopes were dashed when Gordon didn’t laugh along but instead looked at him with a furrowed brow.“What? What are you talking about? That was three days ago.”Gordon and Barney compare their timelines, vent their frustrations, and think of ways to continue living through the end of the world.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun & Gordon Freeman
Comments: 10
Kudos: 74





	Good Luck Everybody

**Author's Note:**

> -idk what this is. it’s kinda weird. it’s literally just one really long conversation about feelings  
> -im gonna keep it real with u, this is prob very ooc. at the very least for how people normally interpret gordon. i def write him more verbose than what ive typically seen. i don’t take the silent protagonist thing very literally. or, depending on how you look at it, i take it very literally as its intended function as a game mechanic.  
> -that's what the self-indulgent tag is about  
> -title is from A Big Day for Grimley by AJJ bc it makes me cry a lot

The train out of City 17 had seemed too good to be true. Barney was surprised that it had taken them as far as it had, but all good things inevitably came crashing down. They’d had to stop the train when they encountered a huge pile of debris on the tracks. With no way of moving past it, Barney and the resistance members he was leading had no choice but to walk about twelve hours the rest of the way to White Forest. They weren’t the easiest group to guide. Not only were they terrible at taking directions, but they kept trying to tell Barney about the giant explosion and presumable ruins of City 17, as if Barney had somehow missed the mushroom cloud on the horizon. He tried not to focus on how probable it was that Gordon and Alyx had been caught up in it. 

By the time they finally reached White Forest, Barney was about ready to pull his hair out. He gladly sent the other members of his party on their way and glanced around the base. People were acting pretty calm considering that they had just barely avoided a second war with the Combine. It was mostly empty, with the majority of people presumably sleeping, considering the late hour. Those who were still up were winding down by recapping their days to each other. 

Through some practiced eavesdropping, Barney learned that they had apparently just missed an attack on the base that had been repelled by Gordon. At least that meant that he had made it out of City 17 before it was blown up, but last time he had seen Gordon he didn’t look stable enough to take down a single Combine soldier, let alone a fleet of Striders. He should find Gordon and make sure he was alright, and probably catch him up to speed on some things. 

He gave up the pretense that he was not listening in on the group’s conversation. 

“Hey, any of you guys know where Gordon is?”

They looked at each other with blank expressions. “Freeman? No one knows. He just disappeared right after he took out all those Striders. But man, he must have killed about 12 of ‘em in half an hour! You should have seen it, he was crazy!”

“Yeah alright, thanks.” Barney said shortly. He was already walking away.

They had said that Gordon had just disappeared. Maybe they had been exaggerating, maybe Gordon was just busy somewhere else. The thing is, every time Barney had used that justification to rationalize Gordon’s absence, it was never ever true. The real reason was always that he had quite literally vanished into thin air. His heart was racing at the thought that Gordon was gone to god-knows-where yet again. 

He shook his head, trying to clear his mind. If Gordon were still at White Forest, where would he be? Hopefully asleep. That’s almost certainly where Alyx was. However, he had been looking increasingly confused and stressed at every moment Barney had had the chance to check in with him, and he had just carried a huge battle. It was probably more likely that he would try to find a private place to freak out.

He thought back to Black Mesa, before the resonance cascade. It had been a long time since he’d had reason to call on these memories. Gordon always liked being outside, saying there was no reason to sit in the stuffy dorms talking about life when they could do it in the desert, breathing fresh air and looking at the stars. He had dragged Barney up the creaky fire escapes (which in retrospect Barney could see as a warning sign as to the structural integrity of the facility) and onto the roof whenever their late-night conversations seemed like they would be lasting longer than a few minutes. He remembered enjoying those conversations immensely. He wished he could remember any of their contents.

If Gordon hadn’t changed since then, and he hadn’t _at all_ , which was kind of alarming, then he would probably be outside. That is, assuming he wasn’t gone for good. 

He had only just entered the bunker, but he was already turning around to the southern exit to look for Gordon. He tried to keep his anxiety under control, as there was no point worrying until he knew for sure if Gordon had disappeared, but it proved difficult. He was usually pragmatic, but the past couple of days had left him too drained. He gave into his fear and started running, disregarding the odd looks of those he passed in the hallways.

He exited the gate with what was probably more gusto than was strictly necessary and looked around. On top of the arched bunker roofs was a sheet of grass and laying in that grass on his back was Gordon. He didn’t respond to the noise, apparently not having heard Barney crash through the gate. Actually, he almost certainly had, considering his battle reflexes. He just hadn’t responded. 

He felt himself relax, breathing out a sigh of relief upon seeing that Gordon hadn’t pulled another vanishing act and was in fact still here, in the flesh. He rolled his eyes. Yet again, he worried over Gordon only for him to reappear. He was getting emotional whiplash, and Gordon was to blame, even if it may not be strictly his fault. 

Barney climbed up to meet Gordon. He stood above him and looked around. It was a nice spot, close enough to the White Forest entrance to feel secure but surrounded by trees and enough green to maybe feel human for a moment. It was definitely more scenic than the arid desert of Black Mesa.

Gordon had finally taken off the HEV suit and was now simply wearing jeans and a worn sweater. His eyes were closed, but his body was too tense to be asleep. 

“Hey. Looks like we both made it back.”

Gordon sat up abruptly at the sound of his voice, whipping his head around to meet his eyes. 

“Barney! I thought your train might have been derailed by the portal storm.”

He was shocked into pausing briefly. Twenty years was a long time to try to remember the sound of someone’s voice. He hadn’t exactly had any recordings. Hearing Gordon speak with his sort of creaky tone was overwhelming in its familiarity. 

“Nah, we were okay.” he eventually managed to respond. 

He wanted to say more, but Gordon didn’t really seem to be listening. His eyes were scanning Barney, sizing him up suspiciously, in much the same way he had done back at the arrival station in City 17. Barney took the opportunity to do the same. Gordon looked tired. He had always been in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation, along with most of the scientists at Black Mesa, but this was different. It was the sort of wired exhaustion where he had looped around from being sleepy into looking almost manic. Aside from that, he looked exactly the same as he had twenty years ago.

Gordon’s eyes had unfocused. He was now staring at a tree, his mind probably a million miles away. Barney was struck again with how familiar Gordon was. He wondered exactly how he had managed to stay the same. Time travel seemed outlandish, but so did the existence of any de-aging technology. 

Barney sat down next to Gordon with a groan. This conversation wasn’t likely to be very fun. Nothing was very fun these days though. 

“So. The guys I was talking to said you disappeared on everyone again. Can’t say I’m a fan of this pattern of yours.”

Well, that could have been phrased more gracefully. He had probably just put Gordon on the defensive, but he was being honest.

Gordon glared at him, which Barney chose to count as a win because it at least meant that he was paying attention to their conversation rather than just staring off into space again. 

“Where do they get off? It’s not like it matters to anyone if I’m up here.”

“I didn’t say they were upset, I said I was.” 

Gordon rolled his eyes. “Specificity in all things.” he said sarcastically. “Okay then, why does it matter to _you_ if I’m up here?”

“Maybe because you keep dropping off the face of the earth and I thought you were dead again?”

“Right, because my safety matters so much to the resistance.”

Barney narrowed his eyes. “What the hell does that mean?”

Gordon opened his mouth but closed it without saying anything. He looked like he was weighing his options. Barney might as well do the same. He really didn’t want to fight, but there were some things they needed to address. Like Gordon’s selective presence, and apparent selective aging. There was certainly a story behind that.

He took a deep breath and broke eye contact. They were both too tense to navigate a conversation like that right now. He should try to de-escalate.

“So what are you doing up here anyway?”

Gordon apparently took his olive branch, deflating and lying back onto the grass. 

“I’m trying to wake up.” he stated factually. 

Okay, getting weird and metaphysical wasn’t exactly small talk, but it was also very on brand for Gordon. It sure as hell was better than fighting. He knew their argument was inevitable, but he hoped to delay it until they had both had more sleep. Besides, it was always fun to play along with Gordon’s existential tirades. 

“Wake up in the dream sense, or wake up in the ‘get more alert’ sense?” Barney asked with a smile.

Gordon didn’t smile. “The former. Well, the nightmare sense to be more specific. This being a nightmare makes more logical sense than what’s actually been happening this past week.” The actual tone of his voice was monotonous, but Barney could hear it shake slightly. 

His smile dropped. He didn’t really know how to respond to that. All things considered, the past week had been one of if not the most successful since the resistance formed. 

“I hate to break it to you, Gordon, but you’re not asleep. Although, looking at you, maybe you should be. When’s the last time you got some rest?”

Gordon was quiet for some time. Barney thought that he was being ignored, but Gordon eventually responded.

“About six days ago.” 

He did some quick mental math.

“Six days ago...you were still stuck on that slow teleport. But for you, that would have been the day you came back, right? I stopped you from waltzing into Nova Prospekt. You still owe me for that!” Barney laughed, somehow managing to sound only slightly uncomfortable. He felt like they were on the precipice of a conversational bombshell, and he was desperately trying to steer it along a more lighthearted path. 

His hopes were dashed (as per usual) when Gordon didn’t laugh along but instead looked at him with a furrowed brow. He hadn’t ever seen someone look so intensely confused, it almost seemed targeted. 

“What? What are you talking about? That was three days ago.”

“You must be tired Gordon. Getting your days mixed up? You really should go to bed.”

Now Gordon looked less confused and more pissed. 

“No. It was three days.” he spoke slowly, with the tone of voice that all the scientists use when they think that someone (usually Barney) is being incredibly stupid and missing an obvious fact. 

The thing was, Barney knew that Gordon was wrong. Did he have amnesia or something? That might explain his odd behavior. He gave up trying to de-escalate. This seemed too important to leave unclarified. Plus, he was getting kind of annoyed.

“It was six days. You came off the train and I sent you to Kleiner’s. The next day you and Alyx went to Nova Prospekt. Then you both were gone for a week. But from your perspective, the day after Nova Prospekt you guys blew up the Citadel. Then you up and disappeared for three days, and Alyx found you today.”

Gordon sat up rapidly, looking utterly bewildered. 

“When the hell did I disappear? After the Citadel, I just- oh.” He cut himself off. “I didn’t realize…” He trailed off completely, and his face twisted into a sour smile.

“I’m so tired of having the rug pulled out from under me. I have no idea what’s going on.” 

Usually when Gordon was frustrated, he broke down. This bitterness was new. But, as long as they were past the point of winding down, this was a good opportunity for Barney to press for information.

“It’s alright to be confused,” he said in what he hoped was a gentle tone, “but I need you to tell me what happened for me to help.”

Gordon sighed. “You’re not going to believe me. But sure.”

He proceeded to not say anything. He just looked at Barney scrutinizingly. He was tired of being looked at with so much suspicion. He knew that he had a controversial reputation around the resistance for his undercover work, and what he’d had to do to stay undetected, but he had thought that Gordon would be understanding. There was no reason for him to be this hesitant. Either he had horrific, earth-shattering news, or he didn’t trust Barney anymore. He felt guilty for hoping it was the former. 

He nodded at Gordon, hoping to reassure him. Gordon took a deep breath, apparently steeling himself.

“When I beat the Nihilanth, he didn’t just fall over and die, he started to shoot electricity everywhere and explode. There was nowhere for me to go, and it occurred to me there for the first time that the guy from the Lambda Lab who sent me to Xen had absolutely no plan to get me out. He expected me to die.”

Barney thought back to his time on Xen. He had seen the bodies in HEV suits. Clearly the Lambda team had been sending scientists to the borderworld far before the resonance cascade. He had already been disillusioned with Black Mesa, but learning that even if the world hadn’t fallen apart, the Lambda team was still going to cause Gordon’s death by sending him into a hostile alien world with no hope of return was enough to make him downright furious. So, hearing that Gordon had been sent on a suicide mission didn’t exactly surprise him. He kept this to himself, at least for now. There was no way that Gordon hadn’t seen the bodies anyway.

“Before I got caught up in it,” Gordon continued, “I was teleported out by some man in a suit. I had seen him around the facility a few times on the day of the test, and the day after. I thought he was just some bureaucrat. But he had somehow not only teleported me out, but also he’d taken all of my weapons. I was completely defenseless. He started talking about my potential, and how he offered me a job. After I said yes, he sent me into this black void and then a minute later I woke up on that train into City 17.”

That confirmed Barney’s suspicions that Gordon really hadn’t been here the past couple of decades. The confirmation shed new light on his behavior since arriving at City 17, such as his blatant confusion and naiveté about the Combine. This introduced a whole new set of potential problems. Not even the advisors could suspend time. This man could be the most powerful player on the board, which begs the question…

“Gordon, why on God’s green earth would you ever agree to work for this freak?”

Gordon fixed him with a dull glare. He didn’t know if Gordon had smiled at him at all since his return.

“He told me that I could either agree to work for him or face a battle I had no chance of winning. What was I supposed to do, just die?” he asked defiantly.

“Well you didn’t say that, okay! So you picked the logical option, great.” 

Based on Gordon’s huff, his words probably sounded sarcastic. They really weren’t; he was glad that Gordon had chosen to live to fight another day rather than take a stand against someone like that. But it also meant that he was trapped at the mercy of a being with the power to literally bend time. 

He supposed there was some small comfort in the non-choice. He had always thought that Gordon was dead, so when he returned, he had to wonder why he had been away. If he had chosen to abandon the resistance, and Barney, because he didn’t care about them. To learn that it hadn’t been his choice was a relief. It also made him kind of terrified. He didn’t really like his odds against an interdimensional apparatchik. There wasn’t any viable way to stop him from taking Gordon again.

“So you did the job I assume. You would be back in the void if he still wanted you, so you’re safe now, right?”

“Not exactly.” Gordon looked up at the stars while he spoke, his eyes vacant, like he was remembering something. “He tried to put me back into stasis after we blew up the Citadel. I was back in the void, but then the vortigaunts appeared and blocked him from me. I woke up in the city and Alyx found me. I thought that no time had passed, but apparently I was wrong.”

He didn’t know how to respond to that. His mind was racing, but not to anywhere in particular. After a moment, he simply said, “I didn’t know that the vortigaunts could do that.”

“Yeah, me neither. They have to work hard to keep it up though. When they were distracted earlier, the guy appeared again. He didn’t put me back in stasis though, he just told me to make sure that Alyx reached White Forest.”

The vortigaunts couldn’t be considered a permanent solution, then. This meant that Gordon really could be ripped away again without any warning. He felt a sick dread rising in him that he instantly pushed down with practiced ease. Gordon didn’t seem to be having as much success.

“I just _know_ that he’s going to show up again soon. He took me back at the literal second that I finished my job last time, and I got Alyx to White Forest. I finished his job.” He let out a shaky laugh, but it sounded more self-deprecating than amused. “I don’t know why he’s waiting around, and I don’t know what he’s planning. I just know that there’s nothing I can do.”

Gordon couldn’t afford to be acting this defeated, it wasn’t getting them any closer to a solution. 

“Well, he isn’t back yet. There’s no use worrying. Plus, you didn’t do his job, you did ours. We told you to get to White Forest, and to go after Breen for that matter. You were helping the resistance.”

Gordon looked at him quizzically. “Sure, but he wanted me to do those things. Do you really not understand how it might make me feel upset to be completely under someone else’s control?”

He did understand that. They had been victims to the Combine for long enough for Barney to have felt the desperation associated with helplessness. But it wouldn’t do Gordon any good for Barney to reinforce his panic. 

He could see that Gordon was mulling something over, looking pensively at the sky yet again. Before he could try to reassure him, he was beaten to the punch. 

“I don’t know. It seemed like the only option at the time, but now I’m thinking it might have been better to just die.”

His heart dropped. Now it was Barney’s turn to glare. He had seen many people give up fighting the Combine over the years and accept their deaths. He couldn’t let Gordon join them. 

“Don’t say that, not even as a joke.” His voice sounded harsh. He had struggled to stay collected this whole time so as not to upset Gordon, although it wasn’t working very well so far. Still, if he made Gordon too angry, he would be likely to stop sharing. He needed to reign it in, because if he didn't, he worried that he would lose control and go too far.

“You _always_ choose life over death, no matter what.” he emphasized slowly.

There wasn’t an immediate response. Gordon studied him with interest. He then had the audacity to shrug his shoulders casually. 

“You say that, but then you send me into a room full of turrets, alone, and hang back and watch. You expect me to take out snipers for you while I’m literally bleeding to death. So maybe you don’t value my life as much as you say you do.”

Barney felt a chill go down his spine and emanate throughout his body. Had he heard that right?

“So what, I’m as bad as the guy who literally enslaved you, are you kidding me?” he snapped.

He just barely caught Gordon give the smallest nod to himself, his mouth twisting into a grim smirk. Who was this man next to him? Surely a week wasn’t long enough to make Gordon hate him so much.

“I didn’t say that, don’t make false equivalences.” Gordon said lightly.

Barney couldn’t hold in a dark laugh at that. “Oh that’s rich.”

Gordon continued as if he hadn’t said anything, “All I’m saying is that everyone has been ordering me around and sending me into life threatening situations the past few days without explaining anything, or even asking if I _want_ to help. The only justification is that I’m the ‘One Free Man’, whatever that means. I didn’t ask to be made into some sort of messiah, it’s ridiculous to put that on me.”

“None of us _asked_ for this. We shouldn’t have to convince you to help us take down an alien dictatorship, you should want to do that of your own volition. And you’re smart enough to see the value of making you into a symbol.”

Gordon scoffed. “Value, yeah. I understand the value of it. I just can’t understand why people who I thought were my friends suddenly only see me for my utility.”

He was stunned into silence. How could he accuse Barney, who had spent years and years mourning Gordon, of not caring about him?

Gordon wasn’t the only one who’d had to sacrifice for their cause. Barney hadn’t wanted to go undercover with the Combine. He wasn’t proud of what he’d had to do to keep his cover, and he certainly didn’t feel like he was safe at the heart of the Combine machine. But he told himself that the ends justified the means, and that his work was valuable. Everyone had a part to play, including Gordon, he didn’t get to just show up twenty years late and criticize their development.

He didn’t understand; Gordon was the smartest person he knew, and while his critique wasn’t necessarily wrong, it was irrational. Of course their revolution was utilitarian. There was no other way to survive. 

He was so frustrated that he considered leaving him on the roof, giving up on a resolution and just abandoning Gordon to his bitterness.

But Barney had been idealistic and passionate at the beginning too. He had fought with Eli and Kleiner about the deification of Gordon, about how disrespectful it was to mythicize a dead man who had been their friend. They argued that since the vortigaunts said that Gordon was returning, it wasn’t a problem, and Barney was overreacting. They had never reached an agreement, but Barney’s protests weren’t enough to stop the spread of One Free Man propaganda. He’d had to learn to live with it, rationalizing that it was good for the resistance to have a face to rally behind, and ignoring the pain of seeing his best friend used as a prop. 

He was getting sick of Gordon’s backhanded accusations but, despite the hurt, he wanted to be able to excuse him. The only benefit of the doubt he could give is that he hadn’t been here. He didn’t understand the context.

“Maybe,” he said tensely, “it would help if I explained some things.”

He watched Gordon to gauge his reaction. He looked surprised. Maybe he had expected retaliation. After another moment, his face fell, and he looked down at the ground.

“Yeah, sure.” he said quietly. His voice didn’t hold the same flippant sort of defeatism it’d had before. It was pure disappointed resignation.

Hadn’t he just been complaining about no one explaining anything to him? Barney really wished that he could read minds. 

“This probably won’t be as enlightening as you would hope, but it should give you the basics of our situation. I escaped Black Mesa with Rosenberg, Kleiner, and Eli. We picked up Alyx from the dorms on our way out. We heard later that the facility had been nuked to cover up what happened, not that it ended up mattering. Those portals that were bringing in all those aliens from Xen started popping up everywhere across the world. 

“We were already struggling with that, so when the Combine showed up, we didn’t have much firepower left. That was the Seven Hour War, you probably heard about it. Breen somehow made contact with them and sold us out for a deal. You’ve seen the raids, the suppression field, the oceans. You’ve seen enough to understand that it hasn’t been good. So we’ve been fighting back. People in the resistance give their lives to reclaim our species. As for the vortigaunts, they help out because they say they understand. They also say they owe it to you, but we don’t really understand what they mean by that.”

He heard a hum of understanding from next to him and looked over. Gordon was actually looking at him now. He didn’t elaborate on what he had realized, and Barney didn’t really want to ask, lest Gordon start throwing out accusations again. He was just glad that he was being listened to. He continued with a little more confidence.

“To be honest, the resistance wasn’t very effective until recently, because the Combine kept getting the jump on us. Eli told me that we needed intel, and Kleiner was dropping hints. Neither of them wanted to say it outright, but I got the message. I started working undercover with Civil Protection a few years ago to try to get information. It’s controversial, because of what I have to do to keep them off my back. I told you about the quotas.” He hadn’t, really, but he didn’t feel like unpacking what the quotas entailed. 

He continued more energetically, “But it’s been worth it, we’ve been able to move more people out of the city. Everywhere is bad, but City 17 is the worst. We all do what we need to do, and sacrifice what we need to sacrifice. We’d been doing alright, until you showed us up by blowing up the Citadel.” 

“What happened at Black Mesa?” 

That was a vague question, not to mention a seemingly unnecessary one. He would have thought that if Gordon was going to raise questions, it would have to do with the twenty years he had missed.

“What’s there to explain, you were there. Hell, you were at ground zero.”

Gordon winced. 

“Hey, that’s not me blaming you. It wasn’t your fault.” Barney reassured. 

“Huh? Oh, no, that’s not why I...nevermind, it’s nothing.”

It was clearly something, and Barney wanted very badly to get into it, but before he could ask, Gordon cut him off with another question.

“But then, who _is_ to blame? Was it just the faculty’s hubris or was there something else? How much did Eli and Kleiner have to do with it?”

Gordon looked up, seemingly recalling something.

“Or maybe they were right, and it actually was sabotage. But whatever it was, you guys have had plenty of time to investigate, so what happened?”

Barney didn’t know what Gordon wanted him to say. He was really hung up on Black Mesa. He had to keep reminding himself that, to Gordon, Black Mesa had been only a few days ago. It had taken Barney years to process, so these questions perhaps shouldn’t be that surprising.

“Far as I can tell it’s the first thing you said, administration flying too close to the sun. Seeing where Breen ended up seems to reinforce that. I don’t know how much Eli and Kleiner had to do with it, but it’s probably more than any of us are comfortable with.”

“But then why are they the ones leading us?”

“Because we need them. You’re looking for one bad guy to blame, but there isn’t one. You can’t put it all on them. As dissatisfying as it is, the biggest culprit for the apocalypse is probably just criminal mismanagement.”

There was silence for a moment. He could see that Gordon was processing all that had been said. It felt like he should be able to hear crickets, but they had been among the many species that the Combine had eliminated.

“You’re right, that is really dissatisfying.”

Barney laid a hand on his shoulder in sympathy.

“Honestly Gordon, it doesn’t matter what caused the resonance cascade. Knowing what happened won’t help us in the here and now, because the answer is probably that the very people trying to stop the Combine are the ones that failed humanity in the first place. That would kill morale, and we would die off.”

Gordon made a frustrated noise. “But the resonance cascade _is_ the here and now for me, it wasn’t even a full week ago. It matters to me if I’ve been helping the people who caused it.”

“Would you really leave, even if you got confirmation that it was true?” Barney asked.

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t think you would. You would stay, because you can understand that even if it’s not ideal, it’s the best option.”

Gordon let out a laugh that bordered on hysterical and clenched a hand in his hair.

“You’re damn right it’s not ideal. It’s immoral. How can you not care?” Gordon shifted his tone from strained to determined, as if presenting a winning argument in a debate. “You worked undercover, I heard Overwatch talking about the punishments for failure, she said amputation and offworld reassignment. Doesn’t it feel _bad_ to be sent into a situation like that by and for some ivory tower intellectuals?”

“You’re overreacting, Gordon. It doesn’t matter if I like it or not; it’s necessary.”

“Stop it! Just fucking stop!”

Gordon shook Barney’s hand off his shoulder. Barney was frozen in shock. Gordon had certainly been more vocal tonight than normal, but this was the first time he had heard him actually yell. He didn’t have time to respond because Gordon was apparently just getting started. 

“Would you stop minimizing? What happened to you? A week ago you were a skeptic, sure, but you were still an idealist. But now you’re suddenly you’re what, a Machiavellian? But it’s not even that, at least he had passion!”

Gordon took a few gasping breaths, curling in on himself. Barney didn’t know what to do. He doubted that Gordon would be this upset over Barney’s political praxis, at least not truly. There had to be more to it. He reached out his hand, but Gordon swatted it away.

“Gordon,” he started gently, “you’ve never cared about that kind of thing before, what’s this really about?”

“You’re just _numb_! How can you be so apathetic? The world is falling apart and we all _betrayed_ each other and I’m essentially an indentured servant to a being we know nothing about, and we’ve all come so close to death so many times but I’m the only one who seems to feel anything about it, I feel like I’m insane! I hate it here, this doesn’t even feel like the same _planet_ anymore. And I don't just mean the sea level, although that’s fucked too. I mean the people.”

The last word came out cracked, and his face crumpled. Tears streamed down his face as he hung his head low, clutching at his head and shaking with strained sobs. Barney was overwhelmed with regret. He hadn’t meant to push Gordon this far, he had been trying to help, but he had clearly missed the signals that showed how close Gordon was to snapping.

He needed to fix this. He didn’t know how it would be received, but he couldn’t just sit there and watch Gordon break down without doing anything. He hesitantly shifted closer and wrapped him in a hug.

He was startled by the way that Gordon clutched onto his shirt, clinging to him for comfort despite apparently being furious with him. His heart clenched, maybe he needed this too, and he tightened his arms around Gordon desperately. His mind was blank, simply holding him as he cried.

After about a minute, Gordon pulled back. His breathing was still frantic and gasping, but he seemed to have collected himself for a moment. 

“Am I really overreacting? I can’t tell.” He asked so earnestly that it made Barney’s heart hurt. As he finished his sentence, his voice broke again and he clutched a hand against his mouth. 

He looked so distraught that Barney felt another pang of guilt. _Was_ he overreacting? As far as he could tell, Gordon had been running around in the most stressful week of his life, with his only breaks being glorified comas. 

“No. You’re not. I think it would be weirder if you weren’t upset.”

He paused, trying to collect his thoughts, although he was spurred to continue by the sound of Gordon’s erratic and hitched breathing. 

“And I’m sorry if I made you feel like you were out of line for being angry or frustrated.”

It wasn’t out of line, but was strange to see. Barney wasn’t the exception when it came to how he processed the world, or at least he didn’t think that he was. Most everyone was numb at this point, hiding their distress behind layers of fury or apathy. Seeing someone have a breakdown like Gordon’s was a rarity these days. He couldn’t help but be dragged in by it. It was almost cathartic; watching Gordon cry was causing his own emotion to well up in a way it hadn’t in years. 

“But it hurts when you imply that I don’t care about you, or that _I_ don’t have feelings. I do. And me having a different process from you doesn’t change that. I _always_ have good intentions toward you, and I can’t really say that about many other people. I don’t think you understand how much I _mourned_ you and missed you. I know you were gone, but knowing that you doubt me like that is so unbelievably hurtful I just-” his rambling was cut mercifully off by Gordon before it could spiral too far.

“I don’t doubt you.” Gordon said thickly, his breathing still uncontrolled but in a moment of reprieve. “That’s why I said all those things, because I _knew_ it would hurt you. I was trying to make you mad, I guess just so that I didn’t feel alone. But obviously that’s really fucked up, so I’m sorry.”

Oh. In retrospect, he could see how Gordon had been trying to rile him up. He huffed a humorless laugh. 

“I don’t know if that hurts more or less. But you’re a terrible liar, Gordon. I don’t believe that you didn’t mean _any_ of what you said.”

“I mean, yeah. There was, and still is, truth in what I was saying. I’m sorry for, you know, _how_ I expressed it, but…”

Gordon trailed off, seemingly searching for words. 

“Imagine you walk into a portal, and you walk out the other side and all of your relationships have become conditional. You have to _earn_ love; all of the sudden getting support from people is contingent upon you being the perfect self-sacrificing icon. Then, you try to explain why this upsets you to the one person who you thought would care, and he just tells you to get over it.”

“Gordon, it’s not conditional. I promise you, there’s nothing you can do that will change that, I mean _nothing._ I’ll care about you even if you start working for the Combine.” 

He had meant it as an exaggeration to prove his point, but thinking about his own words made him realize that it was true. There really _wasn’t_ anything that Gordon could do to lose Barney’s loyalty. It was odd to feel that way about someone again. 

Gordon laughed weakly, wiping at his eyes, but it didn’t do much to abate the now silent tears coming down his face. “It doesn’t come across that way.” he said quietly. 

That stung. Barney wished that he could telepathically send Gordon his thoughts, just to prove that he cared. He needed Gordon to know that he had support.

“How can I help? What can I do?”

“Stop skipping ahead to where you’ve rationalized your way out of _your_ feelings. I want to hear what you honestly think about... _anything_. Anything at all.”

“That’s pretty vague. Specificity in all things, didn’t you say?”

Unfortunately, Gordon didn’t rise to his change of subject, instead simply giving him a pointed look. He hadn’t really expected it to work, but it would have been nice if it had. He honestly didn’t think that Gordon at all realized how difficult this would be for him. He’d spent the past couple of decades actively not thinking about how frustrated and defenseless he was, because it just made him feel more hopeless. But Gordon said that it would help him, and that was what mattered. 

He sighed shakily, running a hand through his hair, trying to conjure up something he was passionate enough about to sate Gordon. 

“I have no idea how Kleiner can keep that stupid headcrab with him, considering what we’ve seen them do. I must have fought off a million of ‘em in Black Mesa and now I’m suddenly supposed to _not_ attack the one he chose to keep as a pet? I sure as hell wish that he would use his genius to start researching agriculture or fertility instead of headcrab domestication of all things. Eli isn’t much better, never taking any damn precautions. The academics just don’t get the scope of what’s at stake, even if they say that they do.”

Gordon nodded, prompting him to continue. He certainly had more that he could say.

“What else? Oh, you wanna talk about becoming defined by your utility? That’s my whole job. Part of me wishes that someone would have stopped me from going undercover. I could literally be sent offworld at the drop of a hat, and everyone around me decided that they cared more about the information I could gather than the risk of losing me."

Barney's voice was picking up speed despite part of him willing himself to just _stop talking._

"And if that stress isn’t enough, now I get the whole damn resistance giving me side eye because of what I do with Civil Protection. I’ve been complicit in more violence than anyone would like, but it’s for a purpose that we all agreed on. They take the information I get but condemn me for how I got it. I’m the only one sacrificing my moral purity in a fucking revolution, how is that fair?”

His voice was shaking now as he spoke, and he felt a pit in his stomach as he unleashed years of pent up resentment and distress. It didn’t feel good, rather it felt like he was losing control of himself. This was exactly why he had avoided delving too deep in the past. 

Gordon reached over and took his hand, squeezing it gently. Barney met his eyes and was once again shocked by how real he was. He wondered if the novelty of Gordon’s return would ever wear off.

“I _hate_ the ‘One Free Man’ thing.” he stated emphatically. “Man, I can’t tell you how hard I tried to stop that from catching on. You were dead, and instead of mourning you they just dragged you back to life, but it wasn’t even you. Sorry, but you’re not some godlike warrior, you’re a physicist! And I’ve had to see a specter of you for years, on both sides. The Combine loves to hate you and the resistance loves to deify you, but no one was there to just miss you, as the person you were, and it _hurt_.”

His breathing was erratic as he tried to control himself, blinking back tears while his face remained stoic. God, he never wanted to do this again. The more he thought about all their problems, the more it became apparent how fraught their situation was. He held tighter to Gordon’s hand and willed his voice into evening out before continuing.

“The truth is, you’re right. Things here are bad, and it’s not all the Combine. We have plenty of our own problems, and I don’t see a solution. There’s nothing to be done except move past it. I also don’t see how telling you all that could possibly make you feel better, but there you go.” he ended his tirade offhandedly, as if it would somehow distract from the absolute wave of resentment he had just unveiled. He felt embarrassed for getting so carried away.

“Thank you. Sorry for making you do that, I know you don’t like talking about stuff like this, but it honestly helps a lot. It helps to know that I’m not the only one.”

Gordon was still visibly teary, but he was looking decidedly more relaxed. Maybe it was worth it after all. 

“You didn’t make me do anything,” he reassured, “and besides, it’s not that I don’t _like_ it, it’s more that it does me more harm than good to dwell. I had to find some way of moving on with life. There really hasn’t been any other option but to not think about the details too hard. It’s obvious now that you’re gonna need a different strategy than mine. But if I didn’t cut off from it, I wouldn’t get anything done, I would just be too depressed.” he said seriously.

He looked over when he heard stifled laughter from next to him. Gordon’s face was slightly flushed, looking uncomfortable but still laughing almost compulsively. Barney felt slightly offended at first, considering he was pouring out his heart to Gordon, but upon further consideration he didn’t think he was being laughed _at_. Gordon had stopped crying, but seemingly still was in the overemotional post-breakdown mania that heightened all his reactions. He was glad that it was laughter rather than tears.

“What?” he asked, but he couldn’t help from smiling a little bit too.

“I just don’t know how to say this without sounding really rude.” he said, still barely holding in hysterical giggles. 

“That ship has sailed, say what you need to.” Barney replied easily.

“You don’t…” he waved his hand in a circular motion, as if prompting himself to find the words he wanted, “you don’t really seem _not_ depressed.”

Barney paused for a moment, waiting for elaboration that Gordon failed to produce. 

“Well, it was a fun chat but that’s my cue.” Barney joked, moving to get up. 

He felt a hand gripping at his sleeve and pulling him back. He smiled at the contact, glad that Gordon was playing along.

“No, no, come back!”

He fell back into place next to Gordon and raised an eyebrow at him.

“Well, be fair, there’s really nothing to say to that”

“What I _mean_ to ask is, how well is your strategy actually working for you?” Gordon’s affect sobered. “Just because you ignore your emotions doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. They’ll show up in other ways.”

He shot Gordon an irked look. “Stop beating around the bush.”

Gordon looked back at him seriously.

“Something new I’ve noticed is that you yell now.” he stated candidly. “You’ve never yelled at me before, even when you’ve probably wanted to. But now, whether it’s the thing with the grenades or you leading the resistance groups, you just don’t seem very forgiving.”

Barney was frozen. He was trying to process Gordon’s words and think of a response, but his mind wouldn’t take him anywhere. 

“I don’t like that I yell at you either.” he finally replied. “It’s not something that I feel good about. I get stressed, and I get scared, and it just…”

He didn’t know what else to say, it was like his brain just refused to do any processing. He wanted to have a justification to reassure Gordon with. He thought about all the things that scared him, namely losing the people he loved. But, as Gordon had said, they could be lost in more ways than one. Gordon seemed to like when Barney shared his feelings, and he had already gone so far today that one more divulgence couldn’t make things much worse.

“The Gordon that I knew _loved_ the world.” he said oddly. It was a nonsequitur, but Gordon was listening intently. 

“I hate hearing you sound so bitter and resentful about everything. It scares me. It just feels wrong. ”

“I don’t like being spiteful either.” Gordon agreed somberly, ignoring the humor of his parroting. Then, only slightly more teasingly, he continued, “So tell me then: what is to be done?”

Ignoring the world around them would not be an option, at least not for Gordon. Barney didn’t think he could handle any more discussion of their insurmountable problems though.

“Can you think of _anything_ you actually like here?”

Part of Barney hoped that Gordon would answer something sweet and emotional like ‘I like that you’re here.’ He didn’t have time to fantasize about that though, because the answer came quicker than anticipated. 

“Alyx must have been so mad at me by the time we got back here. While we were driving, I kept pulling the car over to look at the forests. We’ve been in the desert at Black Mesa for months, it’s nice to see green finally.”

That wasn’t actually that surprising. Gordon had always loved nature, having grown up in one of the most environmentally diverse states in the country (which he only knew because Gordon never shut up about it). He had been worried that Gordon would be distraught over the destruction of the environment at the hand of the Combine, but it seemed that he could still see the beauty.

“Yeah. That’s one good thing about being in Russia, we get lots of nice scenery.” He hated how lame he sounded. Where was Gordon expected to take the conversation with that? He was terrible at this.

“Wait, we’re in Russia?”

He couldn’t help it. He burst out laughing, not like the cynical scoffing he had been doing all day. It was probably the most genuine laugh he’s had in months. Gordon’s face lit up red, looking embarrassed but smiling nonetheless. He had missed Gordon so desperately since the world went to hell, and this was the most _Gordon_ thing that he could have said. The smartest man he knew, consistently and confidently missing the big picture. For the first time, he felt like they really might not be as changed and ruined as he’d thought. 

“Did you not wonder why everything was in Russian?” he asked incredulously once he got a hold of himself.

“Well yeah, I wondered! But I guess I just never really put it together.”

He paused, curling his arms around himself defensively as Barney continued laughing.

“I’ve had a lot on my mind, okay?” 

“Fair enough. But see, we found something good. It’s still earth, Gordon. And there’s still people here who care about you and love you. Even if you can’t trust it from the others, you can trust it from me.”

“Yeah. It _is_ still earth; maybe we can take a roadtrip to the seed vault to start getting some biodiversity back.” he said thoughtfully.

So much for a moment without pragmatism. He had just started letting his guard down, but now _he_ was the odd one out. He could understand now how frustrating it felt. He supposed that it was nice to know that Gordon was planning for a future now, and it was such a wonderfully in-character thing to say that he couldn’t really be mad. It was just that their initial reunion had been cut short, and after all that had been said tonight, he realized that he really wanted reassurance that Gordon still loved him too. 

Gordon must have noticed his expression fall, because his face twisted with regret.

“Sorry. There’s obviously more than just the trees that I like. I really love that you’re here. It’s actually unbelievable. I thought for sure you had died.” His voice was weak as he seemed to realize the weight of his words as he was saying them.

“Yeah, you’re preaching to the choir.”

Gordon gave a small smile of understanding. He seemed to have exhausted his conversational itinerary, a fact that Barney was grateful for. He was overjoyed to speak with him again, but he also needed to get Gordon some sleep, not to mention himself. They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments, enjoying the night air. Gordon seemed calm, at least, which was a victory in Barney’s book. He was about to suggest that they go inside, until Gordon’s voice broke through the quiet once again.

“I just can’t get over it. It’s been 20 years since the resonance cascade, but it’s only been a week.”

He sighed exasperatedly. No way was he going to let Gordon get himself worked up _again_.

“C’mon, Gordon. I’m serious, you need to go to bed. It will make it seem better.”

“No, it will make it seem _real_.”

Barney gave a sad smile.

“It’s already real. But when you wake up tomorrow, you’re not gonna be alone. I’ll be right here with you.”

He was speaking to Gordon, but at the same time he found himself feeling reassured by the notion as well.

Gordon looked at him intently for a moment, and Barney willed whatever train of thought he was chasing to just stop so that they could go to sleep. It seemed like it worked, because Gordon’s expression shifted into something that Barney could only really call affectionate. 

“Sounds like a plan.”

**Author's Note:**

> -im working thru some feelings here, it’s incredibly subtle but it’s there /s  
> -the half life timeline confuses me. i like it, but can someone in-game please acknowledge how tired/confused gordon must be at this point?  
> -sorry if you are a machiavelli stan (but also if you are wtf), i know he wrote more than just the prince but gordon is not a political theory major so i think it’s in character for him to say machiavelli when he rly means lenin  
> -say hi on tumblr im docpatchingo


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